Balancing Act
Putting the I First

You’re not alone. You’re not the only career woman, wife and mother trying to juggle and balance the million things that need to get done in one day.

Last year I was determined to jump to the head of the line. My resolve was to put me first, above everyone and everything else. I first heard the phrase all about the I from a friend who was determined to put herself first and see about her needs, after a few emotionally draining years. So last year (2010) on January 1st, I loudly proclaimed: This year is all about the I! - a lot easier shouted than done I can tell you.

I have learnt over the past year that you have to make time for yourself to maintain your sanity and your individuality. I have certainly lost myself over the last couple of years, as I became completely absorbed in the lives of my children and family. The hairdresser, facials and massages all took a back seat to the demands of home. In addition to a full time job, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. We were also completing major renovations at home. Thus, the demands of my daily life started closing in on me; and I was therefore balancing any and every thing.

My daily routine involves the following: The alarm sounds at 4:30am because every night before I go to sleep I have this grand plan that I would cheerily jump off my bed at that time to begin my day. In fact the night before the first day of school I actually set the alarm for 4am. My intention was to exercise which I had been consistently doing every day during the vacation. When the alarm sounded in the morning at 4am, I pressed the snooze button and went back to sleep. Whoever invented the snooze button is a genius.

When I eventually drag myself off the bed, usually after 5am, I stretch, then go lovingly wake up my babies. I gently kiss them and whisper in their ear to wake them up. I remember my mummy gently kissing me then climbing into bed and hugging me for a few extra minutes before we got up to get ready for school. I looked forward to those short moments together and I got up smiling and in a good mood, albeit sleepy. So that tradition has continued with my children.

Then it’s off to bathe, get dressed etcetera. I’m thrilled that my children are old enough to bathe and dress themselves on a morning. So when I shout “Let’s roll!” they come bounding down the corridor with school bags in hand; they then grab their lunch kits and books or toys to keep themselves occupied during the drive as we head out. As the gate closes we say a prayer and pump up the volume on the radio. We sing and dance and generally start the day in a good mood.

Music and dance keeps me sane. I listen to all types of music. When I’m alone in the car I would rock out to Incert Coin (my brother’s  hard rock band); groove to Maxwell and Alicia Keys; and downright boogie to Machel Montano, Black Eyed Peas, Junior Gong or Christina Aguilera. After work which involves driving, visiting clients and surviving lots of traffic, I pick up the children at school and head home to cook, supervise homework and sometimes work (replying to emails etcetera). However, I have of late curtailed working on evenings as it encroaches on the time spent with the children doing homework or just chilling together after a busy day apart.

In addition to being a working mother who drops and picks up her children every day, I am also one of those mothers who is always present for all school and class meetings and is involved in all school activities such as Christmas concerts, Carnival jump-ups, sports events, field trips and so on. At one particular Carnival jump-up I remember making the banners (main banner and about four banners for each section) for my son’s class and holding the main banner as we jumped around the roundabout  for the judges and all students, teachers and parents to see. Then I ran down the hill and joined my daughter’s class band and jumped around the roundabout about four times again. Looking back now I have to say that I was a crazy woman, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself; the look of joy and excitement on my children’s faces nulled all the pain I felt in my aging and unfit body.

My life revolves around my children. It’s so bad that I am no longer referred to as Felicia. Teachers, parents and the children in school call me Sian’s mummy, Jordan’s mummy or Mc Kayla’s aunty - a classic example of losing my identity.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am still involved,  just not as much as before. Last year’s Christmas bazaar was the first time I actually visited the many stalls and watched the children play games and win prizes. Even my mother commented that it was surprising to not see me working in a stall. I love the joy I feel being involved in their school. I had always vowed to be the mummy that you always saw at school and who teachers could always count on to participate in school activities. My mother worked from 7:15am to 4:30pm or later and rarely did she drop or pick us up from school. Either a family friend collected us or we travelled by taxi.

I was therefore determined to be Mrs. Involved. I went on class trips; assisted teachers when it was time to apply make-up and get children dressed for different activities; helped run stalls at the school bazaar; participated in walk-a-thons; ran races in vacation camp. My daughter was Ms. Involved, singing either as the calypsonian or as back-up for calypso competitions at school and otherwise. I therefore had to get her costumes which entailed sourcing and buying fabric, glitter and sequins and an insane amount of creativity. My son wasn’t backward either and I actually had to write a calypso for him one night. Just before he went to bed he exclaimed, “Mummy, Miss said we have to write a calypso.” My blood pressure increased, I quarreled about the last minute information and then I sat down and wrote a calypso in about thirty minutes. Needless to say my family was very impressed. When they eventually go to bed at 8:30pm after praying I usually watch television which relaxes me and go to bed around 10pm to recharge for the following day’s events.

In addition to all the school involvement, I work and am responsible for the household, which includes paying all bills, doing banking, making groceries and going to the supermarket and the vegetable stall which is conveniently located on my way home; I supervise any work and work-men at home including the gardener, plumber, electrician and so on, and choose and purchase household items for the house like bathroom fittings, paint, tiles and so on; I also take care of my dogs, clean my car and monitor general upkeep. My slate is always close to overflowing. 

Thus, when I started feeling like I was losing my mind last year, I decided I really needed to make a change in the way things were being done. When your health starts to be affected, you revisit your priorities and options in life. I hate asking people for help and inconveniencing them, and don’t know how to say no. I have finally learnt how to ask for help. Sometimes I ask my mummy or my friend Gillian to pick up the children from school for me. I have also learnt how to say no to family and friends and not feel bad about it. I used to say yes even though it was inconvenient.  I have also learnt to carve a time period in the day just for me to exercise, read or just lie on the bed and listen to music. I always thought I had to be with the children all the time. Now I ask them for some time for myself; they begrudgingly grant me my wish and I just chill. And guess what, they are still alive and well-adjusted and the house did not come crashing down.

I think all women go through a period where we think we are the only ones going through our experiences until we start talking to other women. You know the saying the grass looks greener on the other side? Well I can assure you 7 someone isn’t watering their grass on the other side because it is parched and brown. So know that in most cases that smiling, bubbly woman, who seems to have it all together, is feeling to run away just like you.

I have certainly had the overwhelming feeling of life caving in on me, walls closing in, claustrophobia, just plain old wanting to freak out because there are just not enough hours in a day to accomplish all that has to be done.

I have learnt that you have to look after yourself and be healthy and emotionally sound in order to be the ideal mother. It’s okay if you don’t cook every day. Between you and me when I actually cook my family raves about my food and tells me I’m the best cook. I have a friend who cooks twice daily (Sunday lunch and meals during the week too) and her family would ask her if that’s all she cooked and want something different.

My lesson therefore is that it is okay to put yourself first. As my cousin Debbie reminded me the other day, on aeroplanes they instruct parents to put on their oxygen masks before attending to those in their care. So ladies, put on your mask first. Exercise at least thirty minutes every day; drink lots of water; eat lots of fruit; go get your hair done; do facials etcetera which make you feel better about yourself and lift your spirits; and do laugh and live in the moment. If you’re spending time with your family then do just that. Don’t think about the clothes you have to wash or what meal you’re cooking for dinner. Live in the present. I know it’s difficult but believe me it can be done and you are better for it in the end.

So remember first and foremost that you are not alone in your experiences; ask for help; say no; live in the moment; and above all else put yourself first.

Felicia Amow-Hosein, who is relishing the many compliments since jumping to the head of the line.