I Married an Alien

One dangerous marriage myth, and why your partner may not necessarily follow your rules of engagement.

There’s one piece of advice that gets shuffled around at practically every wedding reception. You know, the one that’s high among the list of things that thou shalt not do: “Never go to bed angry.”

In my case, my grandmother, mother, and my younger sister (who happened to tie the knot before me) were pretty adamant about enforcing this rule in their marriages, and assured me that any sensible couple would follow said rule. Hence, any person who was serious about preserving their marriage would. After all, going to bed angry would only entrench resentment and perpetuate pain which one can draw on to prove that their relationship was a painful place to be.

When my husband and I were dating, we fought a lot. Though it seemed to people on the outside that we were similar individuals on pretty much the same path in life and therefore bound to get along, it wasn’t that simple. Truth be told, we were very different people. So different at times that we didn’t always understand each other, and I know that there were times when I thought that some of his beliefs and actions were totally uncalled for or out of the ordinary, and vice versa.

Back to the fighting: See, it wasn’t really the fight that got us all wound up. It was more about how we both dealt with fighting. My husband avoids conflict as much as he can, whilst I prefer to face them head on.

He would outright dismiss an issue or defer with humor. If he feels that I’m not letting it go, he would attempt to listen but not have much to say, or would give an unsatisfactory reply (though he has surprised me with some very insightful ones lately!). Eventually I would become upset and begin to say hurtful things in an effort to press the issue and for him to understand how hurt I was. I would hurt him to express my hurt.

He would remain calm, suggest that I calm down, and work with him to come up with some reasonable solution. But at this point, I’m past reason. He’d then accuse me of repeating myself too much, and because I’m too upset for his liking would shut off and refuse to discuss anything further.

I’d then cry myself to sleep knowing that he made no attempt to resolve anything, and certain that we were never going to work things out because, guess what, all the good couples were supposed to talk things through and resolve them right away. After all, under no circumstance were you ever supposed to go to bed angry. Didn’t he hear all the speeches?

After we married the dynamic changed. Arguments pretty much followed the same path but a new understanding evolved. We still didn’t hash things out right away, but we found that the morning always brought a new perspective. Tempers were calmed, and we found that we could be ourselves again and discuss things that we couldn’t the night before.

Three years into our marriage we had an unusual spat that sent me crying to bed. He’d fallen asleep on the sofa, where I found him in the morning. I came downstairs all huffed and puffed and started to brew tea. He got up, stretched, and said, “Darn my back hurts.” We both started laughing. I said, “Serves you well for sleeping on the couch.” We started talking and, guess what, though it didn’t seem possible, that spat was resolved in just a few minutes.

Another time, we both marched into the bathroom, crazy angry from the night before, and started brushing our teeth. Then, we simultaneously put down our brushes and started laughing.

Indeed, it is ideal to truly forgive every slight and make up before bedtime; but we’re all less than perfect. And, in reality, most spouses don’t solve problems well when they’re angry. In fact, “…the idea that it’s helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Oftentimes, arguments cannot be resolved in the moment as one or both partners are too overwhelmed with emotions that leave their hearts pounding and their concentration shot.

It's also important to be mindful that just because one person is ready to roll up their sleeves and discuss the issue, doesn't mean that the other is, or has to be.  Each person internalizes thoughts and feelings differently. Sometimes it helps to say: “If you can’t talk about it now, can we at least put it on the timetable for later?” Just make sure you do get to it later.

If you’re one of those couples who’re adept to resolve conflicts before bed, then great for you! But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with trying to hash something out the following day; this strategy is certainly not a relationship predictor and it definitely won’t poison your marriage. In fact, it can probably make your marriage just a little bit better.

- Susan Thompson