Caribbean BELLE Magazine - Marriage Myths - 56 myths that can harm your marriage

Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing. The truth is that you will experience conflict, anger, or a range of negative emotions in almost all long-term relationships.

You are more likely to divorce if you have different interests and come from different backgrounds. Studies have shown that couples with similar interests and backgrounds divorce just as often as those who differ on these attributes.

Conflict means a lack of love in the marriage. Conflict happens in every marriage. It’s how you deal with it that counts.

All major conflicts will resolve over time. Studies have shown that couples argue about the same things fifty years into the marriage that they argued about in the first few years. Though the main areas of contention remained the same, the subjects were able to get along better as they learnt to cope better and accept each other over time.

Marriage is a cure for loneliness. Wrong. You are responsible for how you feel naturally. Yes, a marriage partner is there to comfort and protect you, but that cannot be a full time job. There are many married people who are still lonely. It’s best to feel complete yourself before entering into marriage.

Marriage will fulfill you and make you whole. Wrong. A couple should complement each other, not complete each other.

Monogamy myth: you’re made to believe that you are the only couple dealing with infidelity or that it only happens to bad or weak people

Romance will always be alive. Romance would not be alive one hundred percent of the time. Every marriage will face unique situations and challenges, and there will always be peaks and valleys.

My spouse should know my needs. No one is a mind reader. It is best to live together before marriage. Studies have shown that couples that live together before marriage experience more conflict afterwards and are more likely to see a marriage therapist.

Married people have less satisfying sex lives. Studies show that married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts. Not only do they have more sex but also they enjoy it more, on both a physical and emotional level.

Always make up before going to bed. This does not hold true all of the time. Sometimes it’s better to sleep through the night, let off some steam, and approach things with a fresh perspective the following day. If your partner seems angry at your attempt to resolve an issue right away, give him time. That’s completely fair.

He would be prince charming before marriage, and grow decidedly worse after – or, if he neglected you before marriage, it would be even worse after. Experts agree that in most cases a partner would not change after marriage. However, he may just surprise you with a side of his personality you’ve never seen before, whether negative or positive.

He would always want sex. The media has done a good job of convincing us of this. Some men do think about sex every day, but others may want sex once a week, or once a month even. In fact, this is a number one surprise for a lot of newly married women whose husbands don’t want sex every day.

Having children brings you closer. Though we love our children immensely, the responsibility of raising children in the modern family (which usually omits support from the extended family) often puts tremendous strain on both partners, and ultimately the relationship. This can be the biggest challenge in securing a happy marriage.

People can't be expected to stay married a lifetime, as they did in the past, because we live so much longer today. There is no basis for this belief. While adults today can expect to live a little longer than their grandparents, they also marry at a later age.

Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence. Contrary to this proposition research shows that being unmarried, and especially living with a man outside of marriage, is associated with a considerably higher risk of domestic violence for women.

Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without the “piece of paper." The truth is that in most cases cohabitation does not bring the benefits that marriage does in terms of emotional health and physical wellbeing. Cohabitants closely resemble singles rather than married couples. This is due, in part, to the fact that they tend not to be as committed as married couples, and are more oriented towards personal autonomy than the wellbeing of their partner and relationship.

People who stay married now have happier marriages than people in the past that stuck it out, no matter what. Contrary to this belief, several large surveys conducted in the U.S. indicate that the general level of happiness in marriages has not increased and probably has declined slightly.

Your spouse is your best friend. Over the years, you may definitely develop an amazing friendship with the person you’re married to. That person will go through all life’s ups and downs with you. But that does not mean that he would be the person you’d tell everything to. It’s ok to have a best friend who is not your spouse.

Don’t worry about not having sex. If you’re not having sex, it is something to examine. The balance definitely changes as you get older, but you have to be careful that you are getting what you need. You don't want to get into a boring pattern where you are no longer interested in your mate or want to share your life with him.

Don’t fight in front of the kids. This actually depends on how you fight. If you fight fair, you can teach your children how to disagree respectfully. We spend a lot of time teaching them to say “please” and “thank you,” but we don't give them any lessons on how to disagree, and agree to disagree. Fighting fair also encourages the married couple to fight less, and find solutions.

All you need is love. Romantic love is not sufficient to create marital bliss. As wonderful as love is, love doesn't conquer all, and alone it certainly won't prevent or solve your marital problems. For that, you need to understand the nature of marriage, learn specific skills and accept that regularly applying these skills requires diligence and hard work.

I talk all the time; he just doesn't listen. Most times, we need to take stock of how we communicate. There is a difference between honesty and brutal honesty, and between helpful and harmful feelings. Too often we bludgeon our partners into submission by talking them to death about our perception of what is wrong. Most of us still need to learn how to express our thoughts and feelings in a positive way, and how to listen, actually listen, in return.

Egalitarian marriage is easier than traditional marriage. Couples today expect chores to be fairly divided, and decision- making to be shared. This system is wonderful in theory, but in reality, is difficult to apply effectively, due to confusion over gender roles. Men feel unappreciated for what they do well, that is, working hard at their day job and even consenting to do some household chores. Likewise, women feel equally unappreciated for their extra work. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild makes the point that women are caught in a "stalled revolution." Many mothers work outside the home and then return to huge responsibilities at home with minimal or no help from the average husband. They’re overworked, exhausted and oftentimes become resentful. The resulting stress on the marriage will not be resolved until men fully accept their share of household responsibilities. This confusion over gender-role expectations, the mutual feeling of insufficient appreciation and the unresolved resentment fostered are killing many marriages.

Children must come first. You love your children fiercely and would work yourself to the bone to ensure their success and happiness. The sacrifices you’d make are endless. But remember that if you want to preserve your marriage, your children cannot always come first. As counterintuitive as it may sound, in your marriage, your spouse must come first, not only for your sake but also so that your children can grow up within an intact family.

The sexual revolution has made great sex easier than ever. Pornography is accessible today with the click of a mouse. There are no avenues unexplored in the world of online stimulation. But here’s the danger: you may learn a few extra moves, but when you’re with your partner, it’s not just the both of you anymore; there are all these images of all these other men or women with you as well. They can make you feel that you or your partner can never measure up, or that there's someone out there who's more attractive to you or will be more attracted by you, and that you are missing out because everyone else is having more fun than you are.

A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right. It’s easy to blame your partner when things aren’t going right, but the majority of these not-the-right-person beliefs are rooted in unrealistic expectations.

Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time. Nothing is automatic; every accomplishment takes work. A good marriage is the product of constant care and nurturing. The same is true for any thriving relationship.

Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work. You do not cease to exist as individuals when you get married. Each spouse has a separate life apart from that as a husband or wife, and should be allowed their individual space to grow as a person. Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more separateness. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and separateness that works for you.

The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want. Do not expect to have every wish fulfilled in your marriage. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse and the relationship can provide just so much fulfillment. The rest will have to come from other sources such as your career, family, or the pursuit of various interests.

Marriage benefits men much more than women. Contrary to earlier and widely publicized reports recent research finds that men and women benefit about equally from marriage. Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married.

Your roles will be exactly like your parents' roles in the household. You may not understand your spouse’s temperament at times, or particular behaviours, until you realize that they were learnt from his/her parents. The best approach is to sit down and discuss your roles. You will eventually grow into them, but you have to be willing to compromise.

There's a honeymoon period, in which you’re both happy all the time. Not true. Sometimes the most difficult time of being married is the months following the wedding. There are no specific times when you’re to feel like you’re on a honeymoon, and there is nothing wrong with early conflict. It’s how you handle it that counts.

You and your husband will share everything. It's possible that your future husband will want to spend his free time exactly the way you do. But don't count on it, and don't put your interests on hold in the meantime.

You’ll never be attracted to anyone else again. It’s very likely you will come across someone besides your spouse in the course of your married life to whom you are attracted. But it’s the choice we make to be faithful that matters.

Your relationship will be better when you’re married. Marriage is not a relationship fixer. Take a look at your relationship exactly as it is before you get married. If upon examination you feel there is much about it that you don't like, don't fool yourself into thinking that being married would change things.

Marriage is about becoming one. No! We are not one person. We are individuals with our own likes and dislikes and interests. We know now that we need to stretch the walls of our marriages to accommodate two very big, smart, space-occupying people if we’re to be happily married.

After a few years, husbands and wives don’t talk much. After being married for countless years, you may feel that you know all there is to know about each other. Conversation, though, is the very heart of love, and it takes two people committed to being surprised and delighted by each other, to keep conversation open. For that, you must listen, and listen attentively, to each other.

If he would just change, everything would be fine. This belief implies that you’re never at fault. Unless your spouse is a raving sociopath, this is hardly ever the case. Passing blame is counter-productive. We should first examine ourselves to see how we can change our mindset, attitude and actions to make a positive difference and create happiness in our marriage. The only person we can really change is our self.

My way is the right way. In most conflicts, each position is “right” depending on one’s point of view. Our challenge is not to convince our spouse that he is wrong, but to understand our spouse’s point of view.

I should have warm, affectionate feelings toward my spouse all the time or I’m not in love. When conflicts emerge in marriage, you can easily feel like you’ve made a mistake. But the most happily married couples focus on positive, loving behaviour instead of worrying about their negative feelings.

I should always be open and honest in all my thoughts and feelings, no matter how much it hurts. Though honesty is essential, ensure that you’re not venting to hurt or manipulate your partner. If you’re communicating because you care about your companion and want to build your relationship, then how you feel is just one consideration. Your companion’s feelings and reactions will be important to you also. The caring spouse not only shares, but also asks and listens. Timing is also very important; when you say something has a significant impact on how it’s received. It’s also okay to let petty irritants slide. Choose topics that are pervasive and important to you and the health of your relationship.

If I feel miserable, I am not responsible for the way I treat others. A bad day or miserable feelings cannot justify rude or unkind behaviour.

A healthy marriage is one established upon great sex. Sex must go hand in hand with intimacy. True intimacy involves knowing your spouse's heart. When you have a true meeting of the minds in this way, bedroom activity will be intimate on an entirely different level.

Stagnant is stability. Try not to let your marriage become too predictable over a lengthy period of time. Introduce some spontaneity. Make time to bond and reconnect on a deeper level.

I am no longer in love with my partner. Romantic love is temporary - created by a chemical released into your brain during courtship that makes you infatuated with the other person. Since every couple goes into a relationship with these “feelings” and a set of expectations, failure to have these met can quickly end the romance phase, and lead you to believe that you’ve fallen out of love with your partner. But, true love transcends romantic love. Love is something you do; not something you feel. It’s the sacrifices you make for your partner. It’s sticking it out even when you’ve lost that “feeling.” It’s reigniting that earlier spark. It’s creating new insight into the person you married. It’s a range of positive emotions and good actions towards that person. True love is something we aspire to.

We’re just too different; that’s why we need to divorce. Couples often reach this conclusion when they’re not getting their needs met. But how can either party get their needs met, when they’re each focused on getting what they want? There is a great deal of research that proves when couples stay together through the difficult times, they end up being much happier together five years later.

Love at first sight. Your eyes meet from across the room and your vision tunnels so that you can only see each other. You’re vaguely aware of fireworks going off around you as you move closer. Love at first sight. Yes, it happens. But when it does, it’s more about two souls connecting to share important life lessons. Important life lessons come as challenges and difficulties. It is love, but not that utopian fairy tale we’ve been fed.

I need to find my soul mate. There is no one person out there for you; you can find multiple partners who you can fall in love with and marry. The key is to choose that one person, and choose to stick it out, for better or for worse.

He knows me better than I know myself. If this is true, it's because of one of two reasons. Either you are just interpersonally lazy and can't be bothered to get to know yourself, or it's because you've been punished for having a mind of your own.

We can get back to where we were: No you can't. Your relationship isn't the same after a betrayal, a tragedy, or trauma. It can't be because you can't be. Sure, time can heal some wounds. But time gives other wounds the opportunity to fester, become gangrenous, and require amputation. There is no getting over and moving on, like the event was a hurdle in a race and you need to stay in the same lane on the same track to be happy. The event takes you onto a new course. Even if the players stay the same, the game will feel totally different to you, because you will be experiencing it from a place of new wisdom and strength.

Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage. This is an assumption that has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay. It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse’s tone of voice and non-verbal cues.

What he does not know won’t hurt him. Wrong. Secrets always have a way of coming out in the open, or manifesting themselves in some other way, that would be harmful to the relationship.

Slumber Parties. Sleeping isn't a team sport. It is an activity best done alone. It is not wise to contort your bodies in unnatural ways for the entire night unless you want to awaken to the feeling that your limbs have been forcibly removed due to lack of blood circulation. Your spouse is not a pillow, but a person made up of tender body parts. You’d be lucky if you and your spouse even have the same bedtime.

Showers together. Those sexy movie scenes with couples in the shower together belong in the movies. Sure, some couples get intimate in the shower, but by and large, most agree that that situation just does not work as well.

Some couples just seem to have the perfect marriage. It’s easy to believe that the public magical moments we see of a marriage are all of what that marriage has. However, no marriage, no matter how enchanting it seems, is perfect. Each marriage has its ups and downs. You don’t know what that couple’s marriage is like in the privacy of their own home. When you compare your marriage to someone else’s, you are denying yourself the opportunity to see the reality of your own situation.