To break wind. To pum. To poops. To fart. Then there is the plural. Is it poops or poopses? All of the above describe our need to expel noxious fumes and gases from our bodies. A fart is defined as “an emission of intestinal gas from the anus, especially an audible one”. For those of you who are mortified by the word and the subject, fart can be used as a noun or as a verb. The first known use of the word was recorded as during the 14th century. I jest not :-)

Do you remember the first time you farted in front of your significant other? Did you burst out laughing, totally ignore “the event”, or watch each other in disgust? For some couples, farting comes naturally. Both individuals are so comfortable with each other that farts occur in the bed, in the bathroom, while watching television, or even in the enclosed car. The regular War reaction for all affected is to moan in disgust and hurriedly roll down the window to get that ever so fresh outdoor air.

Some farts, depending on what you ate that day, linger longer than others. That’s when you really get the “no you didn’t” stares. My advice is to stay away from beans, prunes, even tacos. After a while, every person should have a fair idea which foods and drinks to avoid less they become a fart bomb waiting to happen. Let’s examine in closer detail the farting habits of the sexes. As mentioned previously, most men don’t care. They will fart anywhere they get the urge. Considering the large portions and the variety of foods and drinks they consume (which usually includes a lot of pepper and spices), it’s no wonder they have, or so they claim, no control over this particular bodily function.

And isn’t it interesting that some men also have the uncanny ability to fart on command? Yes, I said fart on command. We all know someone who can do it. If you’re lucky they would give you a warning before they let it rip. Else they would suddenly raise one leg and pollute the surrounding atmosphere, stinging your nose and eyes in the process.

Moreover, for some unknown, hidden, scientific reason, men’s farts are usually loud and explosive with a sonic boom that makes you cringe. Blessed are those present who have the wherewithal to scramble for an open window, door or fan and cleanse their suffocating lungs with that valuable resource called oxygen which some people actually pay for in this crazy world of ours. But I digress.

There are few women who have no qualms exposing their “inner being” to their significant other and those unlucky enough to be around them. Women, in general, fart silently; they quietly excuse themselves from the room, or squeeze their muscles together tightly, praying earnestly that the fart doesn’t escape. The kegel exercises they practiced in the past, along with will power, provide the strength to commit to this feat.

However, while women’s farts may be more discreet or quieter, they are a lot more deadly with regard to both the smell and the length of time the fart gently floats around, winding its way in and out of the nostrils of those present, making many wonder how such a beautiful creature could emit such poisonous gases. At least this is the consensus from many men. And while men will proudly confess to their deed, women would remain engrossed in their chore or action at hand with their face remaining angelic, shoulders and upper body poised, legs crossed, so demure in their overall demeanor while the stench permeates the pores of every living creature within close proximity.

To veer away a bit…has anyone ever been trapped in an enclosed car while the rain poured from the heavens, and the plants rejoiced in the thirst quenching treat, and a sick Rot- “...I know some couples who use the bathroom openly for all bodily functions with no problem at all. Then there are others, some many years into their marriage, who close the door and have never nor will ever let their significant other witness their “regular daily routine”...” tweiler was farting away in the back seat? Let me tell you that there is absolutely no other smell that permeates your pores, your very soul, causing you to gasp and try to gulp the infinitesimal flow of fresh, clean, rain soaked air that is able to pass through the half inch crack in the driver’s side window. That smell lingers for days having soaked into every pore of the upholstery. Truly an experience I wish on my enemies.

It is a fact that all living beings break wind, pass wind, pum, poops or fart regularly. It’s a necessary bodily function, albeit stinky. Every person and couple is different in what they expect of other people and each other. I know some couples who use the bathroom openly for all bodily functions with no problem at all. Then there are others, some many years into their marriage, who close the door and have never nor will ever let their significant other witness their “regular daily routine”. It comes down to individual preferences. So eat healthy, exercise those kegel muscles and sit near to a window or door.

By Felicia Amow-Hosein who practices her kegel exercises everywhere she goes.

Felicia Amow-Hosein