The internet is becoming more of a vehicle than physical cheating for destroying marriages across the globe. Find out why this form of cheating is becoming more and more popular.

Sasha’s husband worked online for hours each night in his home office. His job was demanding, and often she would go to bed long before he retired for the night.

“He was very private about his work,” she said. “We had a good marriage, but as soon as he started working in his office, I knew to keep out. The smallest disturbance distracted him, and losing his focus made him very upset.”

Sasha began suspecting her husband was having an online affair soon after she received an email from a friend. Though not very computer literate, she attempted to download and print the wedding-shower invitation her friend had sent her. She was poking around, looking for where she had fi led the downloaded invitation. What she found shocked her. Pictures upon pictures of women, some nude, some semi-nude, in very compromising positions. There were S&M photos, short videos, and snippets of email correspondence between her husband and several women all bearing what she called ‘loose’ pseudo names.

Horrified at what she found, she angrily confronted her husband that night. A heated argument ensued where she accused him of cheating on her, while he maintained that ‘it was nothing’. Sasha and her husband have since been divorced. “I should have known,” she says, “all the signs were there...”

We’ve all heard the term: Internet infidelity. But what exactly is Internet infidelity? What defines it? What causes it? And how do you detect an unfaithful partner?

While Internet infidelity can be described as cheating on your real-life partner with an online companion, there are many differing opinions on how far one can go before it is termed “cheating”. Is having an online relationship the same as having an affair?

Internet sexual activity can include simply viewing pornographic material, watching videos, entering X-rated chat rooms, having sexually explicit one-on-one conversations, engaging in cyber-sex and making plans to meet with online lovers. When presented with such a wide array of opportunities, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line?

There are a number of experts who do not consider online relationships and cyber-sex to be cheating, as there is no physical connection or exchange of bodily fluids. However, most professional circles maintain that cheating begins at the point of affective attachment: a strong emotional connection with emotional or sexual longing for someone other than your spouse. This is where it all begins; whether or not it graduates to a physical relationship, it is bound to have negative effects on your marriage.

IT IS SO EASY

So why would a perfectly happy, seemingly well-adjusted, married man engage in such raunchy online relationships?

The answer is simple: because it’s just sooo easy.

Before the advent of the internet, he would have had to sneak out of the house, make up lies to cover up where he’d been, orchestrate secret phone calls and rendezvous, or risk social embarrassment by visiting x-rated video clubs and sex stores.

Today, the World Wide Web has made it so much more convenient to have extra-marital relationships. Not only do we have access to thousands of potentially ‘sex-hungry’ partners on the web, but we can now meet secretly with them without ever leaving home. The easy access (one click of a button) makes it even more tempting. It’s anonymous, cheap, easy to hide, and a whole less guilt burdening than real-life cheating.

Male vs. female brain

Because the relationship is online, many men fool themselves into believing it’s not real. This is a defense mechanism that helps lessen the potential guilt. While cyber space can seem like a different realm, it would help to keep in mind though, that these are real people on the other end of the conversation. The pictures are of real women, and the videos are of real people. How then, can men say, “It’s not real, it means nothing,” while their wives seem to be aghast by the very idea?

The answer again, is simple: the male vs. the female brain.

Studies have shown that while women do look at pornographic material and engage in cyber-sex, they are shadowed by an astoundingly larger percentage of men. According to Internet trafficking sites, approximately 70 percent of men (ages 18-40) using the internet visit online porn sites at least once a month. According to a survey done in 2003, more than 32 million unique individuals visited a porn site in September of 2003. Nearly 22.8 million of them were male (71 percent), while 9.4 million were female (29 percent), (Nielsen/Net Ratings, Sept. 2003). Also, while more women tend to feel guilt over their actions, most men tend to view their actions as normal. It’s like this: men view the world of sex from a very physical point of view. As long as no physical interaction has taken place, no cheating has occurred. They do not view their online actions as a transgression.

Women, on the other hand, view the world of sex from a more emotional point of view. Thus, any extraneous emotional attachments or lusting, tend to be viewed as cheating. The message she gets when her husband seeks sex online is: “You are not enough for me. I need something more, something different.”

The feelings of being betrayed, kept in the dark, and being physically compared to other women can be overwhelming for most wives.

UNDERSTANDING THE PROBLEM

The key to having a healthy marriage, and avoiding such potentially destructive feelings, lies in your understanding of the issue and of each other. Reactions to Internet relationships can vary; your spouse’s thoughts on the topic may not be a mirror image of your own. You need to decide together what is and what isn’t allowed. It is crucial that couples discuss their feelings about Internet use, and lay down clear, mutual boundaries early.

These types of conflicts are becoming more common, and counselors agree that the way in which they are handled can either reinforce or annihilate the marital bond. There are several commonplace reasons why a spouse may fall into the arms of an online partner. Usually, the behaviour stems from a perceived defi ciency in the marriage. Knowing these core reasons may help you to understand what your partner is lacking from your marriage, and hence most effectively deal with the problem:

1. Emotional needs not being met in the marriage: Some people may feel lonely, ignored, unappreciated and unfulfi lled, even though they are seemingly fi ne. This could be a way of distancing themselves from a marital problem, instead of dealing with it. It is important that spouses become each other’s best friend and confi dante; this will make emotional communication easier.

2. Fantasy: Many men seek out seemingly ‘perfect’ women on the internet. However, it is not their magazine perfect shape, skin, hair or lips that make these women so irresistible to men. What does, is that they are willing to do anything he wants, anywhere, anytime. While this is mindblowing to the man, it is important to remember that such online personalities are seldom real. No self-respecting woman chooses to be like that in reality.

Furthermore, these very same women are hardly so willing in the face-to-face world. Their anonymous, online identities allow them to portray a wilder, freer personality, but when it comes to face-to-face interaction, often they are the same as any other woman, with the same hangups, the same problems, the same mood-swings and have the same types of arguments with their partners.

3. Physical needs not being met: Some people have a larger sexual drive than others; couples should ensure that they are mutually satisfied by the quantity/quality of sex that they share.

4. Partner’s sexual orientation: Some men may secretly desire that their wives be more experimental or outgoing in bed. This is something that should be discussed early on; experimentation can sometimes be very healthy for a marriage.

5. Addictions to sex or porn: Addictions are very real, and can cause a lot of damage if not dealt with professionally.

6. Curiosity: Some affairs may start off as curiosity. However, familiarity breeds affection, and the more time spent with an online partner, the greater the attachment.

7. Habit: Some men have been used to viewing porn throughout their adolescence. Cyber-sex comes naturally to them, but like all habits, it can be extinguished. Is it any wonder then, that most Internet relationships do not survive the transition to the face-to-face world? Internet relationships are easy and convenient. You don’t live with the person day and night, and bear all their bad habits, smells, and odd quirks. Thus, when many of these people decide to take the next step and move in together, they find that it’s totally different from, and far more difficult than the fantasy life they had imagined.