“I want to be the Red Power Ranger!” shouted one little boy at the birthday party. “I want to be Batman!” was the testimony of another, but amidst the excited voices, one little girl’s voice rang out loud and clear, “I want to be me!”

How do you raise a child to be absolutely comfortable with who he/she is?

1. Spend quality time with your child. Set aside some time in which you can focus your attention on your child. Try to eliminate distractions. This may be difficult but it will be worth the effort. Use the time to engage in a shared activity such as reading, playing your child’s favourite game or just simply taking an afternoon walk together. If you have more than one child, try to do this for each child. You can involve your child in deciding what he/she wants to do. Time spent together will become important opportunities for open communication between you and your child.

2. Be a good role model. Whether you are aware of it or not, you are the most powerful influence in your child’s life. Your behaviour, whether positive or negative, will have a likewise influence on your child.

3. Find out what your child is good at and give your support. Help your child to discover his/ her talents. For example, if your child is good at football, you can go to games, enroll in camps and buy equipment and books about football.

4. Find ways to say “I love you” everyday. Apart from a verbal expression of love, you can buy or make a card for your child and place it on his/her bed or dresser. Your messages can be simple but sweet, for example, “Today may not be your birthday, but I love you anyway!”

5. Accentuate the positive. Use positive words when communicating with your children. Instead of saying, “You are giving me a headache!” in response to a nagging or crying child, try saying instead, “Let’s talk and see if we can come up with a solution to your problem.” Focus on the positive things your child does and compliment him/her for doing them. For instance, if your child has made a mess while making a surprise sandwich for you, do not complain about the mess made but praise the child for the thoughtfulness shown. Then you can offer to help clean up. Think about what is more important- a clean kitchen or a thoughtful and loving child?

6. Encourage spirituality. This allows a child to know his/ her purpose in life, develop good morals and values and accept his/her uniqueness. Let your child accompany you to your place of worship and encourage him/her to learn as much as possible.

7. Do not label or criticize. It is possible to discipline and guide children without criticism. No one likes to be negatively criticized. Telling a child he/she is “slow” or “stupid” is not going to help him/her in any way. In fact, psychologists have shown that when we negatively label children, they are likely to behave in the manner in which they are labelled.

8. Empower. Give your child responsibilities according to his/ her age and ability. Try to match these responsibilities with the child’s interests so that each job is seen as a fun task. For example, if your child loves to talk on the telephone, give him/her the responsibility of answering the phone and taking written messages for family members in their absence. It is important to note however, that when you give your child a responsibility, you should not assume that he/she knows exactly what is required. Sometimes you may need to go through specific details to avoid misunderstandings. For example, you may need to explain to your child the information required by the recipient of a telephone message in order to return a call. Monetary or other rewards, upon successful completion of tasks, can be discussed before hand and a simple contract can be done. Even if no compensation is offered, you should praise your child for the effort he/she has made.

9. Do not compare. This temptation may be difficult to resist especially when your child does not behave or perform as well as others. It is especially difficult to avoid comparisons with siblings such as, “Your brother was always good at spelling, what is your problem?”

10. Listen. Actively listen to your child and respond appropriately. If he/she has concerns or problems do not just brush them aside but validate them. Although children’s concerns may seem rather petty to us, it may have a significant impact on their hearts. Show you care and if necessary help him/her to come up with an action plan in dealing with the given situation.