When I was a little girl, I used to revel in the ‘happily ever after’ endings of fairy tales. From Rapunzel to Cinderella, these stories would frequently end with the handsome prince riding in on his white steed, wielding a sword and rescuing the damsel in distress. He’d then plant a big one on her and off they’d ride into the sunset!

At six or seven years old, I figured my own love life (when I hit adulthood, of course) would mimic these fairy tales and my beloved would make all my dreams come true while protecting me from life’s trials.

I now realize that these expectations were not at all uncommon for most women during their childhood. I asked a number of women whether or not at some point in their lives they felt that Prince Charming actually existed and was attainable and the responses were unanimous. Though, I’ll say happily, that once we enter our mid-twenties most of us no longer seem to harbour these ludicrous expectations about the characteristics our significant other should embody.

So, just how are we exposed to the concept of the perfect man? My friend, Aysha, who at 28 is currently working on changing her whole approach to finding a suitable partner, argues that “the media drives everything”. “From an early age, girls are raised on a diet of created fantasies filled with knights in shining armour. This is intensified by the movies we watch, the music we listen to, advertising, romance novels…they all force us to believe it is indeed true,” she says. “I believe that from age 25-30 women usually go through a stage of maturity when they realize that what they see in the real world does not match the diet of fantasies that they’ve been brought up on,” she says. “Many of us go through a period of 5 years during which we shed the beliefs that we were fed, become more realistic, understand who we are, and who would be our best partner.” In fact, she declares, “Women’s expectations are extremely low. They no longer expect the fantasy. That’s why so many women settle, basically taking what they can get. In other words, any man is better than no man.”

Another friend of mine, who was raised in a single parent household, shares her own take on why Prince Charming features so prominently in her own mind when she thinks of a future with the man of her dreams. “When there are no positive male figures around, you create a picture in your mind about what it should be like—stable and secure. Therefore, the man that you look for should personify these things and basically sweep you off your feet. As a result of your fantasy, you’re constantly searching for that,” she says. Dr. Julianna Slattery, a psychologist and gifted speaker on psychological issues affecting families, says, “A contrast often exists between the romantic expectations of too many women and the reality of relationships or marriage. Women often have unrealistic expectations about their husbands or boyfriends, particularly when they are determined not to make the same mistakes their parents made, such as divorce. They often do not anticipate conflict, anger and trials to be a part of the relationship or marriage and are naturally crushed when the feelings of love begin to waver.

“Hoping to find true love, they have found true frustration. Looking for happily ever after, they have endured enough disappointment to last a lifetime. Most women can relate to shattered dreams and unmet needs. With all that can be said of and for marriage and romantic relationships, they rarely live up to the dreams of many hopeful brides,” she says. In her counselling practice, Dr. Slattery has heard many stories from women who’ve “felt the shock of disappointment as the lustre on their prince's armour began to tarnish”. One patient confessed that though she was married, she still had the same feelings of loneliness she had fought for several years. Not wanting to make her husband angry, she swallowed her hurt and did every thing she knew to keep peace in the marriage.

“Every quality of her prince that had once reassured her collapsed into a heap of weaknesses. Panic seized her as she realized that her marriage was becoming just like that of her parents (which ended in divorce). Her fairy tale had evaporated,” says Dr. Slattery.

“Many women are deeply wounded when they learn that their dream of ‘the prince’ exists only in fantasy. They may look enviously at other marriages and idolize husbands who are not their own, concluding that they simply picked the wrong man,” she states.

“They flock to seminars and workshops that promise three-step solutions to happiness, thinking, ‘If only I kiss my frog, he will turn into a prince.’ Like Cinderella in her dirty work clothes, they hope, ‘Somewhere there’s a fairy godmother that can make me beautiful enough to be cherished.’ The fantasy lives on—and so does the letdown,” Dr. Slattery confirms. According to her, true intimacy often suffers when we are unable to overcome the disappointment of a relationship or marriage. “Often our understanding of love and marriage is unrealistic and incorrect,” she says. “When we confront the real-life work of relationships and marriage, including disagreements, arguments and failures, we feel as if we have missed out on what we were promised.” Dr. Slattery also agrees with the view of modern culture’s influence on our thinking and its reflection on our misconceptions about marriage. “Think about much of the entertainment marketed for women, both young and old. Movies, television programmes, cartoons and romance novels consistently tell a story of a woman searching for love. Finally, she finds ‘Mr. Right’. The stories almost always end with the man and woman proclaiming their love, with a wedding or at least a kiss to seal their commitment. The message is clear: Find the prince and you will become a princess. His love will rescue you. You will live happily ever after. No wonder girls and women alike often have an inaccurate view of both marriage and lasting love,” she argues.

In order to create and sustain a healthy and lasting relationship─one that is filled with love and based on realistic expectations ─it is important to come to grips with the following:

• All men and women have normal weaknesses, vulnerabilities and insecurities, no matter how much they may wish to hide these inadequacies from each other. In relationships both of them learn the inevitability of disappointment. It is only through the acceptance of each other's faults that the love they dream of can begin to become a reality.
• It is important to nurture enough self confidence and independence to know the issue of being someone’s other half does not hold true. You have to know and love yourself enough to grasp that you are your own person. In other words, YOU are enough; you are a ‘whole’ person. Dominion’s Guide to Romantic Relationships suggests, “One misconception about relationships is that two halves will come together to complete the other. This is dangerous thinking and can be disastrous for a relationship. Each person must enter the relationship willing to share the responsibility for mutual growth. The relationship should provide each person with a foundation of support upon which a complementary union of each person’s strengths and weaknesses may be built.” If your sense of self-worth comes from being with another person and/or you depend on your partner to keep you happy and functional, it is unlikely that the relationship will last very long. When you enter a relationship you should bring 100% instead of expecting your partner to fill a void. If there is a void, it will be unfair to expect that your feelings of inadequacy would be fulfilled by a relationship. A woman needs to be content with herself before entering a relationship so that if it ends, the disappointment will not be as devastating. There is no doubt that there will be feelings of hurt and isolation if this actually happens, particularly if you were committed to the relationship’s success. However, it will be that much easier to move on because you will realize that the other person is the one at fault and as a result, you won’t feel responsible for the relationship’s demise.
• Prince Charming is a fantasy. There is no such thing as the perfect guy. There will always be something about your partner’s personality that will rub you the wrong way. It’s up to you to determine your threshold of annoyance. Can you live with these character traits or pesky habits? If you’re able to answer these questions affirmatively, then he may be the one for you.
• Don’t try to defy the notion that everyone has faults by attempting to change your partner, particularly if he is as close as possible, to your idea of perfect. A healthy relationship is a partnership in which each person helps and supports the other in being exactly who he or she is.
• Frequent and effective communication of your feelings, hopes, desires and thoughts with your partner helps to strengthen bonds and bring you closer together. Displaying genuine interest in your partner’s life and being prepared to share your own experiences and realistic expectations often encourages your partner to do the same. According to Kathy Bosch, Family Life Education Specialist, “Today, most individuals want respect, commitment, passion, friendship, companionship, sexual gratification, and probably more from their partner. It is not wrong to expect these things from your partner, but it is important to discuss your needs and wants openly with your mate. What happens, too often, is that individuals think their partner ‘should just know what I need’. Having realistic expectations will enable partners to meet each other's needs and wants and encourage personal and relationship growth.” Plus no matter how long a couple has been together, there are always more things to learn about one another.

Overall, if you’re currently attached with the view of taking your relationship to another level or maybe you’re single and looking to get back into the game, you must have realized by now that it is not a walk in the park. A successful relationship requires a significant amount of time, energy and patience.

And although fairy tales do mislead us about love, to their credit there are fundamental themes that did have a positive impact on my life which I have carried with me into adulthood. Messages such as ‘have faith’, ‘be kind to others’, and ‘never judge a book by its cover’ resonate throughout stories like Cinderella, Snow White and Beauty & the Beast. Fortunately, I’ve come to realize that you won’t find unconditional instant love and eventual marriage after just one kiss from Prince Charming… but wouldn’t life be a lot easier for all of us if we could?