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 Q Dear Belle:
Why is it that men especially lie in relationships? It
is one thing to lie but to be caught lying, yet still profess
your innocence—well that just pisses me off to
no end!
L.M., Maraval
A Dear L.M.:
Let’s be honest from the get-go and acknowledge
that both men and women are prone to lie. This isn’t
a scourge that afflicts one sex alone.
I interviewed a number of women and men—those
who’ve done the lying and those who’ve been lied to
—to get as fair and comprehensive an answer as possible
for you. Prepare to be shocked!
Clint B. Age 35
. . . I’m what you’ll call a compulsive liar: I lie even
when there’s no need to. For me, it’s not intended to
be a malicious act, even though I’m sure I hurt a lot
of people (especially my girlfriend) because I don’t
have the ‘cojones’ to tell it like is. Basically, I lie
because I can’t bring myself to say ‘no’ to people. So
instead, I let her believe I will be meeting her somewhere
and then not show up because I was really
intending to hang out with the boys and Ididn’t want
to hear any whining or complaining about ‘not spending
enough time together. . . .’ This is my ‘tactical
avoidance’ technique.
And this is what I call Clint’s cowardly B.S. technique!
While I realize that there are people out there
who genuinely have a problem with setting boundaries
for themselves or for balancing the demands that
others may place on the—Clint is clearly not one of
them.
People who can rationalize their lies and then try to
mitigate the act by saying they don’t intend to be a
certain way—but yet can proudly proclaim they have
an actual name for what they do—don’t truly see a
problem in their behaviour.
In their eyes, ‘a little massaging of the truth’ or
‘detail avoidance’ never hurt anyone. Really? We’ll
see. . .
Q Dear Belle:
I was flying to Barbados to spend some time with
my boyfriend and his family. However, this particular
airline steward caught my attention—in a word,
“Yum!” Anyway, you know how it is—long flight,
first class, free liquor. I guess I became emboldened
by one too many cocktails. I found myself outrageously
flirting with this man and the more I drank,
the more brazen I became. When he asked if I had a
boyfriend, I coolly said, no. It was as though something
took over my normally faithful demeanour.
When we landed, the steward came over to give me
his number and made an openly suggestive comment,
right in front of my boyfriend’s dad. I was mortified.
Why was I so stupid and reckless?
Brit L. Ottawa
A Dear Brit L:
You are not stupid but your behaviour was reckless.
Behaving inappropriately and then blaming your
actions on your consumption of alcohol is not only
grossly irresponsible but very clichéd. I can’t count
the number of times that I’ve seen this scenario play
out when it really is played out!
I think some people feel the need to reinvent themselves
when going abroad and the rules that would
govern their lives normally, somehow go on hiatus for
as long as the vacation/business trip lasts.
Only a few months ago, I witnessed a pathetic display
of what some would call borderline infidelity
from an obviously married man (he didn’t even
remove his wedding ring). He was imbibing wantonly
and kept harassing the flight attendant with a lot of
‘lyrics’.
The funny thing was that the flight attendant (also
sporting a wedding ring) seemed to enjoy and even encourage the attention.
So truth be told, lying—and its ugly cousin, cheating—within
relationships is practised by both sexes.
Some of my readers would probably say that we all have our
foibles or that this isn’t really cheating and that a little flirting
never hurt anyone. Perhaps. But would you have condoned this
behaviour, if it were your boyfriend/husband/wife/partner doing
the flirting? Yeah, that’s what I thought!
Larissa K, one of my interviewees insightfully admits, “Lying
is learned! It starts off small with the little white lie and then
snowballs into fanciful whoppers that are way out of control. It
is a vicious cycle ... you get lied to and you lie in return.”
I’m not sure I agree wholeheartedly with this. I agree that
lying is a vicious cycle—hence that quaint little saying, “Oh
what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to
deceive,” and I also believe that lying is learned, to some extent.
Children are sponges and their behaviour is patterned from those
around them. So lying and other traits, good or bad, can most
definitely be learned. But there comes a time when you weed
out the good from the bad that you were taught and begin to
make decisions based on your own ethics, experiences et cetera.
We all have personal integrity, don’t we? Or is this an antiquated
character trait? Has lying in relationships become so
common, it’s almost expected? It is hurtful, not to mention disappointing,
when you get lied to, especially by people whom
you care deeply about. But that does not necessarily mean you
are going to lie in return. There are still many, who have no
room for deceit in their lives.
But then there are people like Sean . . . .
. . Trinis lie with a style all our own. We lie with flair and a
finesse that defies regular liars.
university in Boston, I used to play a game called two
truths and a lie….I can tell you the best lies are frighteningly
easy to come up with … and Trinis does win dat game easy!
The best lies are believable because the one being lied to
wants to believe the liar…
It’s a two-person interaction and each person achieves something
from the lie….one is happy with the lie and the other is
grateful for the lie…
As a seasoned liar, I have learned that you need to lie in context
but heed this warning… those lies will catch up with you
and retribution and peace of mind from lying is not easily
obtained.
As a recovering liar I find that if I strive for balance (two
truths and a lie) then I come
out ahead…at least two out of three times …and that can work
for me…
Dear Sean:
People who call themselves ‘seasoned liars’ obviously have a
certain skill at bending the truth. Perhaps Trinidadians are simply
more imaginative. And though many Trini women may
agree that Trini men are some of the best fact twisters out there
who can convince you that black is white, I still see this as an
individual trait not necessarily a gender nor national one.
In speaking to people for this column, I heard such incredulous
story telling—from the ridiculous to the asinine to the damaging:
one guy in a long distance relationship was faced with the
dilemma of what to do with his Trinidadian girl, as he counted
down the days for his real girlfriend to return from abroad for
the holidays; a woman in her late twenties recalled a fete she
attended with one man, only to ‘get ketch’ by her other man; a
wife confronted her 48 year old husband at his workplace with
his ‘outside woman’ and yet another woman told me how this
seemingly nice guy was ‘tracking’ her only to discover that he
was going to be a newlywed in one week!
Across the board though, one thing became glaringly obvious—
lying in relationships is extremely commonplace. And
those of us who still remain shocked and appalled at this are
pitied as naive or too trusting.
But as I write this, I know from experience that though this
may be the rule for some, it is also the exception for many.
There are men and women out there who just don’t lie in their
relationships. The simple truth is—they don’t need to. These
men are not emasculated by being honest nor do these women
set out to be ‘players.’ Quite frankly, this whole ‘lying’ and
‘cheating’ bit just seems so tiresome—with all the alibis,
backpedaling, covering and corroboration and everything else
you have to do. It’s so much simpler to tell the truth: if you want
to play the field, then don’t commit yourself to a monogamous
relationship. This particular type of lying is just greediness
turned on its head—you want to have your cake and eat it too.
Remember this, the next time you’re tempted to lie or worse,
get lied to.
“The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed,
but that he cannot believe anyone else.”
George Bernard Shaw.
How's that for karmic retribution!
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