Dear Belle,

I am engaged to be married in three months. I think I'm getting cold feet! I know it's a cliché that it's usually the groom who gets this, but man, I have a bad case of it. I'm not sure if I'm ready. I mean I love this girl—have loved her for as long as I can recall. But this is such a huge step. What if I screw up? That's her life AND mine, not to mention my family and hers. This all seems so overwhelming. I don't do well with 'overwhelming.'

Barry - San Juan, Trinidad

Dear Barry:

Just by reading your email, I can tell you have a lot of nervous energy. Your words, the way you structure your sentences; all indicate a tendency to be hyperactive. Now, being hyper is different from being excited. When you're hyper, you tend to be out of control. It seems as though this is what you're experiencing. Take a few minutes to breathe. Get back in control. And focus.

You are correct in suggesting that this may just be a case of pre-wedding jitters. If there is more to it, then ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Have your actions in the past led you to believe that you might ‘screw up?’

If the answer is yes, then what can you do right now to change that? Find out and do it. Otherwise, I would advise you to concentrate on the positives of getting married—and not on something that may not happen.

Remember, your thoughts are powerful: what you think, you will believe; and what you believe, you will manifest in your life. So get yourself back on track, enjoy your wedding preparations, and direct your energy and attention to being the best husband and the best partner that you can be for your intended wife. Best of luck and congratulations in advance! In all of the requests that I received on this topic, one thing was clear: issues like these affect both women and men. You may hear men talking about this less because society raises our men to hide their feelings—or to put it more colloquially, "to suck it up and be a man!" Men, like women, have similar emotional needs, wants, and fears. Not addressing them does grave disservice to a relationship.

Kyle, 40, lives in British Columbia and has been married for 11 years. His marriage has given him a new perspective on this institution. His advice:

“. . . If there's one lesson that I've learnt, it's that what goes on in your marriage should stay in your marriage. People tend to want to divulge every detail to their family and friends if there are problems.

As a sociologist, I know this is a normal trend, but sometimes, it can be an unhealthy one. You have to set the ground rules from day one. Don't go into this stage of your life blindfolded. There will be ups and downs—that's life. It's how you deal with those downs that can make or break your bond. Communicating is key if you and your spouse want to succeed. If you have an argument, air it out, but learn from your mistakes. Getting other people involved should be a last resort. I'm not talking about professional counselors— they definitely can have a positive role to play if need be. But a partner has to feel safe to be able to express himself/herself without fearing that what they do or say may be taken out into the public, to friends, family, etc. Regardless of what society dictates, you marry an individual, not an entourage.”

For some people, being married brings on an almost innate sense of responsibility.

“ . . . Marriage is an age old institution that I never believed in—until I got married. I know people say it's not for them or that they don't need a piece of paper to justify their love—I should know, I was one of them. But then, after I got married, I felt the change that my friends spoke about; but that had eluded me for years. It was as if I was given a new status, a different recognition by friends, family, and even strangers. I was a grown-up now. I had graduated into that stage of my life where I was ‘responsible’ enough to take a wife.”

Daniel - Johannesburg, South Africa

These are definitely varied viewpoints on marriage; a mixed bag at best. But isn't that the beauty of it? You, together with your partner, have the capability to shape, mould, and transform your union into whatever you desire. There is no ‘one size fits all,’ no magic formula for making it work.

Success—in the form of happiness, security, compatibility, and love—comes when two individuals make a concerted effort to attain these emotional states, together.

Congratulations! May your marriage be a blissful one.