WE’VE all had it happen to us at one time or another: someone makes an uncouth or tactless remark and we just sit there, clam up… and stew for hours afterwards.

Meanwhile, in the smoldering heat of the afterburn, we think up a thousand and one brilliant and witty retorts we should’ve said… but alas! The moment has passed and instead we’re left fuming in our own rage and spinelessness.

Well, what follows is a crash course in the art of verbal self defense. It’s a no holds barred sampling of well prepared ‘zingers’ that will help you move from the anger and resentment of, “Man, I should’ve just said . . .” to the cool certitude of, “Now that’s telling them like it is!”

My co-worker is such a damn know-it-all! She’s the youngest in our offi ce but acts as though hers are the only experiences and opinions that are valid, and everybody else is just sadly misinformed. I can’t stand her putting in her ‘two cents’ every time, even when the conversation doesn’t concern her. What should I do?

Cat Got My Tongue – Woodbrook, Trinidad

People like these often need to let all and sundry know about their worldly experiences. Perhaps it stems from an insecurity of being the youngest, or maybe this is just how she is—and she simply doesn’t realize that her enthusiasm to share makes you want to pummel her!

My advice is this: the very next time it happens, talk to her alone. Let her know exactly what she’s been doing and how it makes you feel. Be specifi c but kind in your words; remember, no one likes to be criticized. The next time when she says something you disagree with, say so. Say, “I can see how you might think that, but actually I think… Isn’t it great that we can agree to disagree?” Nothing is more liberating than getting your point across coolly yet effectively in the midst of opposition.

What do you say to those people who haven’t seen you for a long time and when they do, all they can say is, “Oh God, you put on weight!”

Lia - Central, Trinidad

Add a little friendly observation of your own! Say, “Damn, you look old!” or maybe, “What, you don’t think I own a mirror?” Or even something like, “You know, actually I feel great and just the other day I met your ex and he said I looked fantastic…imagine that!”

All jokes aside though, many people make insensitive comments like these because they truly feel they’re helping you by possibly stating the obvious! Others can just be mean-spirited…but what do you care? If it’s not true, shake it off; if it is true and their comments hurt you, then stand up for yourself and say so! Often times, people speak before they think.When you make them aware of what they’ve said, they’ll usually pause their running commentary and think twice before saying something like that again.

How would you handle those people who always want to know your business? They are the ones that always ask about your love life, if you’re ever going to get married, or when you’re going to have children. It’s especially hard because the lady who does this to me on a regular basis is old and crotchety but has known me forever. I know I should just excuse her and grin and bear it, but sometimes I think she’s really out of place for asking me such personal things that not even my mother would!

B. Graves – Mt. Hope, Trinidad

While it may be uncomfortable for you to be direct with this woman especially because of her age and disposition, as you mentioned, I would still choose to be candid. Let’s say she asks when you’re getting married. Smile beatifi - cally and say this one word: “Why?” Refrain from adding anything else.

This usually stops people in their tracks and now they become the ones who are uncomfortable having to answer your simple question. And for the really relentless, if they respond with or that “you’re not getting any younger” or some such nonsense, gently yet lucky to have someone like you show you’re doing is acknowledging their you’re not tion to anyone you choose not to.

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