The secret of a happy marriage is understanding your expectations
By Motivational Coach Andrew De Gabriele

In the midst of love’s bliss, it is easy to forget that the idea of a perfect marriage is just a fairytale myth. We have heard the ‘happily ever after’ ending so many times since our childhood that we have subconsciously come to automatically expect the same from real life too. Yet, everyone knows deep down that married life is not perfect and there will be ups and downs in any marriage, just like in any other aspect of life. After all, we even say, ‘for better or for worse, in good times and in bad’ as part of the traditional marriage vows.

So, if perfection is not the secret of a happy marriage, what is?

A study published in 2008 in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found what countless happily married couples throughout the ages have known in their heart all along. The authors, psychiatrist Diane Gehart and therapist Eric McCollum, say that a ‘mindful acceptance’ should replace the relentless drive towards marital perfection. What they mean is that, as a married couple, you need to realise that life is not perfect and that, while some pain is inevitable, the suffering of struggling against things that cannot be changed can – and should – indeed be avoided.

In other words, the secret to a happily married life is to accept each other as you both are, to focus on what you have and to be content with that.

However, this does not mean that you have to give in to all that your partner expects, or brush aside all your own expectations and put up with whatever comes your way. Rather, do not try to change what you do not understand, as this will only create conflict and make things worse. The key is to learn to communicate with each other, to express thoughts and feelings, and to understand each other right from the start of your married life together.

Whether we realise it or not, we all have expectations about how we want our marriage to turn out, and these expectations generally come from observing our parents when we were young, from the media, from friends’ experiences, and so on. The problem is that many times our expectations do not reflect reality. Nor do they take into account the fact that the people we love and choose to spend our lives with are individuals with their own views and expectations, which might be quite different from our own. All too often, partners tend to hold each other up to impossible standards, even to such an extent that one or both spouses feel they have been made to change beyond recognition in an effort to please the other and ‘make things work out’.

As the initial rush of excitement wears off and you settle down to enjoy everyday married life, it is quite common for one partner to start to blame the other for not fulfilling their expectations, even when, as often happens, these expectations have not been made explicitly known. Many times, there is a feeling of disappointment that your partner did not somehow read your mind and fulfil your unspoken desires. Disappointment turns into frustration, and before you know it the dream of a perfect marriage is vanishing before your eyes. This is why learning to communicate and understand each other right from the very beginning is a vital part of building a strong and happy marriage.

As you approach, or enter into, your new life as a married couple, start out by understanding what your own expectations of your partner are. Write them down and get your partner to do the same. Compare notes, open up to each other and discuss these expectations. Be assertive when you speak and empathetic when you listen, but most of all, be open-minded. You may very well realise that many of your expectations are not as important, or even as reasonable, as you first thought. Maybe some are even downright funny! Sort through your lists together and work out which expectations you can meet for each other. It is important that both of you make a committed effort to show your love and accommodate each other’s needs, while at the same time recognising that you are distinct individuals, no matter how alike you may think you are.

Understand your differences, keep a positive outlook, and always try to find ways to make the most of your diversity. Understand each other’s point of view and work together to come up with solutions that you both can agree upon. Reach a consensus with which you are both happy, so that you avoid the disgruntlement that goes along with half-hearted conceding. Not all your expectations are unreasonable, but you both must be ready to accept that things cannot all be as you want.

Sooner or later, you might be tempted to compare your spouse or your marriage to your idealised mental image of other people’s spouses and marriages. Don’t. As we already acknowledged, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage – they all come with their highs and lows. Concentrate instead on the love, the joy, the laughter and also the difficulties and challenges that you have as a couple, and focus on living and enjoying every moment together.

By learning to express and deal with your expectations and developing these skills together, you are laying down the foundations for a strong, lasting and happy marriage. You see, people do change. Just like you and your partner are not the same people you were ten years ago, as time goes by, your ideals, your desires, and the things you might expect from each other will also change as you go through life and share new experiences. All too often, new expectations can surface at key milestones or at crucial times in your married life (e.g. when you move into a new home, have children, or deal with serious illness or other difficulty), and knowing how to understand each other and adapt to these challenges when they come will be the secret of your marriage’s lasting success.